I'm back here after two years. I also don't know why I suddenly open back my blogger. It takes me some time to edit the layout and makes some changes. When I looked back at the statistics for my previous posts, I found that the view of the posts increased. (Maybe it is just an illusion, hahaha) To be honest, I was shocked. It is because I don't think others will know my blogger. Even my friends also don't know about it since I didn't mention it never and ever.
Why did I start to write the blogger again? Actually, finding a place where I could express my emotion and all the negativity. Then, why blogger? There were many of my friends on other social media platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, Wechat, or WhatsApp, and I didn't want to let them worried about me or know about me too much. Stay mysterious...
I feel very disappointed with my current semester result. My GPA has dropped so much compared to last semester. It was out of my expectation! I don't know how to describe those feelings. My friends scored very well in their final based on what I know. Most of their GPA/CGPA have increased so much. I think I am the only one who did very bad in the final. I realised that hard work doesn't pay off. You know, I have suffered during the final exam week. It was terrible and insecure. I totally cannot sleep well every day. I pretend like I don't care about the exam and don't study anything to calm my friends.
I taught my friend what I had understood on the topic he asked about. In the end, my grade for that subject was worse compared to theirs. Do you know how it feels? It is like you give everything and help them score better than yourself. I know I shouldn't have this kind of mind. Please forgive me. I hope I can do well in the coming new semester. Everything will be going fine, please. I really wanna give up already...
To be frank, the course that I am studying right now is not what I want to study. The more I studied, the more I felt unhappy. I think that I am really not the piece of material to study engineering course. It takes me a few years to find out what course I like and which is suitable for me. The answer is the accounting or language course. I have wasted so much time. I am feeling wanna drop out of university...I cannot see my future, and it is a blackout there. I am feeling miserable and worried about my future. I don't even know whether I can graduate in 2022.
I feel very sorry for my parents and brothers. My parents have given everything to me to make sure I live well. They didn't demand me to score all As in every exam. They always tell me that it is totally okay to try my best no matter what result I get. But I always have a mind that I must score very well so that they will feel proud of me. All of my brothers are smart, but I am stupid. They did well in their academics. For example, my big brother studied master's level in university and graduated a few years ago. My second brother, who currently works in Singapore, graduated with first-class honours in his previous university. My youngest brother, who lives in Japan, also graduated from master's level last year and now he works in Nissan company. I feel stressed because I am scared I cannot do well like they did.
People will say, " Min Yue, why your brother is all so smart, but you are not doing well?? eh Min Yue, why your brother can graduate successfully, but you are not?? Why??? (This might happen when I am not doing well) I remember those days when I was in primary school. One of my teachers told me that please behave like my three brothers. They are well-disciplined and hardworking. They didn't play so often like you. (I used to walk around in my village area every day after school) So now I will not feel stressed???
But don't get me wrong. I didn't hate my brothers, but we were so close to each other in real. I love them and like to spend my time with them. Although we didn't see each other since last year CNY due to covid-19. But we still managed to video call.
I think I have to stop here...hahaha....let's continue next time, yo! Bye!!👧
*Disclaimer: Sorry for my broken English😖
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